Cohesion: Chapter Six

Unfortunately, the path to Beta Site didn’t get any easier. Hours later, they’d made significant progress, but one final stretch remained before they would arrive. During another break, Ludwig set up a computer query, hoping to gather more detailed data about the path ahead. The map generated instantly—fast enough that Ludwig realized the query had been redundant. He felt stupid, realizing this had been part of the report the computer had initially made regarding both sites. If he had spent more time examining the data instead of arguing with Djawadi, he might have noticed how narrow these passages to Beta Site were.      

His insecurity about choosing Beta Site to rule out first only got worse when he looked more closely at the path to Alpha Site. Sure, that one-hundred-meter shaft was no joke, but the rest of the way there was going to be far easier compared to what they were experiencing now. Still, they were too far along to turn back. And besides, even though this path had turned out to be deceptively difficult, it was still technically a far safer route than dealing with that shaft. It still made sense to go this way first, right?     

But now that Ludwig had looked more closely at the path to Beta Site, he knew that the final stretch would be the most difficult.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Djawadi whispered, his voice raspy and hoarse. He was looking at the same thing Ludwig was—the final obstacle before Beta Site. Rather than the narrow, slot-canyon-like passages, the one before them was a squat path they would need to traverse on their bellies. It was almost comical how wide the path was—not wide enough for them to crawl through side by side—but if the path had been a normal height, this last hike would’ve been a breeze.

“Get through this and we’re at Beta Site,” Ludwig said with forced optimism. He turned to his partner. “You okay? We can take another break before we start this next stretch.”

Djawadi shook his head, “Let’s just get this over with.”

It didn’t take long before they reached the squat path that stood between them and Beta Site. The opening seemed smaller than Ludwig had expected, even though he already knew it would be tight.

“I’ll go first, then?” Ludwig asked, though he was already dropping to his hands and knees. He laid his beat-up, dirty equipment case sideways and pushed it into the path ahead of him. Then, carefully, he dropped to his elbows and began the awkward shuffle forward.

These suits weren’t designed for this. Sure, the cloth layers could take a beating—as long as they avoided the sharper edges of the volcanic rock beneath them—but doing a belly crawl was another story. Centuries of pressure suit design meant they were having a far easier time than the Apollo astronauts or even the first Martians had, but the helmets were the real issue. They were attached to the rest of their suits in such a way that Ludwig had to turn his neck awkwardly just to see ahead. After twenty minutes of doing that, his neck had developed a crick, making it painful to keep looking forward. He couldn’t see how far they had left, how far they’d come, or even Djawadi behind him. If it weren’t for Djawadi’s strained grunts over the comms, Ludwig wouldn’t have even known if his partner was still following.

It was maddening, pushing the equipment case forward a few inches, pushing himself forward, and then doing it again. Over and over and over. The only thing that broke up the monotony was when the equipment case got wedged in the rock. Unlodging it was exhausting, especially at such an awkward angle with almost no leverage.     

It felt like hours had past, and Ludwig had no idea how much progress they’d made, or how much was left. He felt like a blind Sisyphus buried beneath miles of rock, but at least Sisyphus got the satisfaction that came from observing your own progress. He’d turned the display off on his visor long ago because it was infuriating to see how little progress they made with each movement. At least with the display off, he could lie to himself. We have to almost be there, he thought to himself. Just a little more, right? It can’t be much more, they’d been at this for who knows how long—we must be close.

Exhausted, the air filter in Ludwig’s suit was saturated from his exertion, causing his visor to fog up so much that he was essentially blind. His limbs were shaking, his neck was killing him, and salty sweat was pooling around his eyes and burning them painfully. He wanted so badly to wipe the sweat from his brow and had even absentmindedly lifted his hands to his face multiple times, only to be stopped by his helmet. It was hard not to feel suffocated and stifled inside it.

Finally, Ludwig collapsed onto the rock floor. He tried to push himself forward, but he just couldn’t go any further. Djawadi’s equipment case bumped into his foot, but Ludwig didn’t move. He couldn’t.

The case nudged his foot again, harder this time. Djawadi grunted. “What’s going on?”

Ludwig felt too tired to answer. But then the case pushed against him again, hard.

“I’m taking a break,” he said.

“No, we take a break once we’re through,” Djawadi said.

“I can’t keep going,” Ludwig replied. “Just give me a minute.”

“No! We keep going till we’re through—I am not staying in this tunnel for one second longer than I have to.”

“Just give me a second!”

“Go!” Djawadi yelled.

“Just give me a second!”

“Go!”

“NO!”

“Go! Go! Go!” Djawadi screamed at him. “GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!”

Ludwig swore, his stomach clenching in fear again as Djawadi continued yelling at him to go, over and over.

“I’m going, I’m going!” Ludwig yelled back. But Djawadi’s case slammed into his foot again, harder. Then it began to push past him, pinning Ludwig against the side of the tunnel.

“What are you doing?” Ludwig asked desperately.

“What does it look like?” Djawadi snapped.

“Shit,” Ludwig said as Djawadi’s case pinned his helmet against the wall. “Stop STOP! It’s stuck!”

But Djawadi didn’t stop, he’d somehow even managed to twist around enough to kick against his case, trying to push it past Ludwig. With every kick, the edge of the case slammed into the glass of Ludwig’s helmet. He knew deep down that the visor was tempered glass, woven with fiberoptic tubes for added extra durability, but that logic didn’t matter. He was panicking. He was pinned against the wall, and his cohesion partner was kicking a metal case into his face.

Ludwig started kicking in a panic, screaming for Djawadi to stop. But Djawadi kept kicking, screaming for him to move. One of Ludwig’s kicks connected with Djawadi, and he stopped for a moment before kicking back, knocking the wind out of Ludwig. For a split second, he hesitated, it was against the rules to physically fight with your cohesion partner.

But somehow, during the struggle, Ludwig’s helmet dislodged from between the case and the wall. He pushed Djawadi’s case forward. With this little bit of progress, Djawadi kept pushing with frantic determination, forcing both cases forward.

When the tunnel finally opened into the large cavern that made up Beta Site, Ludwig let out a long sigh of relief. He felt like he was going to cry, but stamped that feeling down quickly by taking a few deep breaths.

“I knew we should have gone to alpha site first,” Djawadi said, still seething.

The venomous anger in his voice was palpable. Ludwig realized that every time Djawadi got this way, it triggered his own fight-or-flight response—but instead of reacting, he froze in anxious confusion, unsure how to handle the unreasonable hostility.

“Commander Cernan warned me,” Djawadi said through clenched teeth.

Warned him? Ludwig thought, anxiety mixing with humiliation and a growing anger.

“He warned me you were a fucking coward,” Djawadi continued.

“Brilliant engineer, blah blah blah,” Djawadi went on. “But a coward who’ll always take the easy way out. We should have gone to alpha site first!”

“He’s not supposed to do that!” Ludwig blurted out.

“What? Warn me about my next cohesion partner?”

“It’s against the rules!”

“Yeah, no shit,” Djawadi spat.

Ludwig’s anger surged. “He WARNED you?” he yelled, though his exhaustion turned it into an impotent reflection of how he truly felt. “Fucking coward?” He muttered weakly.

The worst part was deep down, Ludwig knew it was true. He had spent his entire life trying to convince himself he wasn’t a coward. But now to find out that his superior officers—people he profoundly respected—were warning others about his cowardice? The humiliation had knocked the wind out of him. He struggled to breathe, to move, to reconcile the image he had worked so hard to create with how others actually saw him.